jokes

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

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One day a gay man goes in for his doctor's appointment and asks the doctor, "Do you have anything to make hair grow on my chest?"
The doctor immediately grabs a jar of Vaseline and says, "If you get a friend to rub this on your chest everyday, within a month or two you'll start to see some growth."
The man replies, "Well if that was true, I'd have a pony tail coming out my ass!"

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Salim and Balu were very fond of cricket. They would go to every game that happened in their city. One day Salim died in a car accident while he was on his way to a cricket game.

A few days later he came to visit his friend Balu in a dream.

Balu asked Salim if heaven was good. Salim replied that it was better than being on Earth.

Balu wanted to know if there was cricket in Heaven.

Salim Singh said, Well, I have good news and bad news for you.

Balu asked, What's the good news?

Well, Balu, yes there is cricket in Heaven!

What's the bad news?

The bad news is you are opening batsman in tomorrow's game!

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A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, "Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel."

The man was astonished and asked, "So what do I do with these?"

The doc replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with the shovel.

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A little boy and girl are in a bathtub, and are naked because they are too little too understand anything like that. The girl and boy ask each other: "What's that?" and they both reply: "I'll ask my parents."

So the boy goes home and asks his dad what it is. The dad looks solemnly at him and says: "Son, that's your car. You park it in a girls garage."

The girl goes home and says: "what's that?" The mother says: "That's your garage. dont let any boy park his car in it."

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differnce between dress before and after the

Before sex, you help each other get undressed.

After sex, you only dress yourself.

Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.

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Ek Pathan Bhari Bus Mein ek Ladki Se Touch ho raha tha.

Ladki: “Excuse Me! Aap Acha Nahi Kar Rahey.”

Pathan: “Itney Rush Mein Is Se Acha Nahi Ho Sakta.”

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For all those men who say "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage..

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After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

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DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARRIAGE AND MENTAL HOSPITAL ??>

Question. What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?

Answer. At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.